The Hobbit Is Not As Fun Or Cool As It Looks (But I Love It Anyway)
by Spinjitzugirl6310
Summary: When Teenage Genius Alex creates a machine that will allow her to enter ANY fictional world at any time, she puts it to good use, sending herself and her friends into Middle Earth. As her courage is put to the test, Alex is afraid of reaching the breaking point. On top of that, there are too many stupid distractions to deal with. Her friends aren't helping. (Romance story too.)
1. Chapter 1

**In light of the Desolation of Smaug coming up and the Extended Edition, I remade 13 Dwarves, 1 Wizard, 1 Hobbit, and 3 I-Don't-Know-Whats. Here it is.**

I'm Alexandria Katie Nercross. But most people call me Alex, so I guess you can too. I created a machine a few months ago that allowed me to enter any fictional world. Star Wars was difficult, and I had established myself as a first class meddler in the affairs of the fictional universes. This time around I decided to party in Middle Earth. Two of my friends, Lena and Lora came with me. (I let them come this time) We voted as to where we should enter, and when, and the vote was unanimous. Outside the Shire in the beginning of the Hobbit.

Then there were a few more problems to settle. Number one, Names. I chose the name Elizabeth, Lena chose Abigail, and Lora picked the name Grace. Problem Number Two: Races. There were several races in Middle Earth, but we had to keep in mind that this is not the Fellowship of the Ring, this is 13 dwarves going to reclaim their homeland, dragging a Hobbit with them, and losing a wizard to who knows where along the way.

"How about an elf?" Lena/Abigail suggested.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked. "Thorin would eat you alive."

"Ew," Lora/Grace said.

"Elvish is one of the languages we know!" Lena/Abigail protested.

"Ok, we can use that, but I know that I'm not going as an elf," I crossed my arms and lifted my chin.

"Nah, you seem to be more of a dwarf anyway," Lena said.

"What about me?" Lora asked.

"Um, you seem hobbity," Lena said.

"Hobbity isn't a word," I informed her. She glared.

"So what? I think I'm going as ¾ dwarf, and ¼ elf!"

"You can't do that," I objected.

"Watch me."

"You disgrace the race of dwarves."

"Can I do that with hobbit blood?" Lora asked. I turned to her, mouth open, ready to cut her down.

"Eh, sure," I faltered.

We were off.

**_~ ~Far over the misty mountains cold ~ ~_**

"Do I HAVE to wear this?" Lora whined.

"Yes," I said crossly. "The ears are part of being either dwarf or hobbit. They become real once you are transported."

"Alex, there is no need to be grumpy," Lena said. She herself looked pretty, as usual. I crossed my arms.

"I wanted to have left by now."

"Calm down! You're always so….leaderlike. You're going to have to tone that down; Thorin's going to be in charge," Lena shook her head.

"In other words, I'm being bossy," I translated.

"No."

"Sounded like it to me. Are you done, Lora?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go then."  
We headed to the machine, and I told my heart to stop skipping about. It was being very distracting, and I didn't need distractions.

Little did I know how many distractions lay ahead, and I needed none of them.


	2. Chapter 2

I confidently stepped into the machine.

"Well? Guys, come on!"

Lora, soon to be Grace, stepped in. "Lena? Are you coming?"

Lena walked in. "Present."

"Right." I slammed a button. "Here we go."  
**_~To Dungeons Deep and Caverns Old~_**

**_Thud!_**

"Alex? I mean, Elizabeth? Are you okay?" Lena (ABIGAIL) stood up and bent over me.

"Peachy." I sat up grumpily. "What happened?"

"You miscalculated and landed in a tree and then fell out of it," Grace told me.

"Oh."

"So this is it, Bag End!" Abigail exclaimed.

"You're taller than me," I said bluntly. "How did that happen?"

"Part elf. Look! Bag End, it's the Shire."

"I was always the tallest."

"Not anymore," Grace said cheerfully. I crossed my arms.

"Oh, look. There goes the Thorin pose," Abigail teased. "Come on, how old are you? Eighteen, nineteen?"

"Eighty," I corrected her. "I'm eighty." Abigail's jaw dropped and Grace stared.

"But-"

"Dwarf aging is different than human aging," I explained briefly. "Anyone got a pocket mirror about them?"

Abigail wordlessly handed me one. I looked for a few seconds. "There's lovely," I finally commented. "See, the beard is almost invisible, but still there. Honorable and stunning. And the braids."

"You're just imitating Fili," Grace retorted.

"No, I'm not. Those braids DO mean something, if you remember."

"Loyalty, honor, and a willing heart?" Abigail guessed.

"No, that I come from a reasonably high standing family, that I'm a warrior, and that I'm the eldest child in our family," I recited.

"Oh. But your family isn't high standing," Abigail said quizzically.

"I traced our family back to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND on my English side," I argued. "And don't give me the 'you can't be a warrior, you're a girl' junk. Dwarves were **_not _**sexist. And anyway, are you going to knock on the darn door or what?"

**_~We Must Away Ere Break of Day~_**

We kind of just stood there for a few minutes.

"You mean like, knock?"

"No. I meant bonk on with your head. YES I SAID KNOCK," I said, exasperated. Abigail has two annoying characteristics: She's curious, and she's shy. The shyness was winning out.

"Well, should we wait?" Grace asked.

"If you want," I sighed. I looked Grace up and down. She was a little shorter than me; she was wearing a dress, (Almost hobbity) and boots. "Do you have any weapons?"

"A slingshot," she said proudly, pulling it out. I put my head in my hands.

"A **slingshot**. Really?"

"Ori has one, and he does fine."

"No he doesn't. He has to have the others save his neck. Jeez."

"Well, I have a dagger too," she said. "And my first aid kit."

"Does this look like Narnia, Lucy?" I asked. "What about you, Abigail? You got a bow and a quiver of arrows and a trumpet?"

"No trumpet," Abigail said. "Just a bow and quiver of arrows."

"You disgrace the race of dwarves, _Susan_."

"Hey, Kili, anyone?" Abigail said. I looked her up and down too. A split skirt, and a blue blouse. She was more on the slender side, a tiny bit taller than me. You could somewhat see the Elvish side peeking out.

Then there was me. The average sized dwarf, with absolutely no modifications. Stocky, broader shoulders, slight beard, with about a truckload of weapons. I was wearing trousers and a long sleeved shirt with a fur coat on. I inspected my weapons.  
Battle flail, knives, three bladed dagger, sword, shield on my back, (With my giant pack.) and maces, axe, battle hammers, etc. galore.

"Got enough weapons? Have any tucked in your underwear or anything?" Abigail asked, obviously amused.

"Possibly. And also," I opened one of my packs. "Chocolate."

"Chocolate?"

"And a bunch of other stuff. Huh, I don't remember putting Doritos in here. But there is a lot of stuff in here."

"Good," Grace said. "I'm going to knock." She strode up and knocked on the door. There was a pattering sound, and then the door opened.

It was Bilbo Baggins.

**Well, here is the start of the adventure! Read and Review please!**

**Elizabeth: This is moving slowly.**

**Shut up, Liz.**


	3. Chapter 3

The fact is, I was excited. Bilbo Baggins just opened the door to the three of us.

I shook myself to my senses, and gave a bow from the waist.

"Elizabeth at your service," I said. My voice was a little bit deeper, I noted. Abigail gave a little bob and Grace gave a full curtsey.

"Abigail-"

"And Grace," Grace finished. "At your service."

"Ah," Bilbo stuttered. He looked behind him nervously. "Yes, well-"

"Don't worry, Mr. Baggins," I said. "We won't break anything."

I walked past him and gave an inspection of the house.

It really was nice.

I started and spun at a sound, and there stood the first four members of the company in the pantry.

Dwalin, Balin, Fili, and Kili. Kili spun as well, and flashed a grin. He bounded over.

_Actual puppy._

"Hello," he dipped into a bow. "Kili, at your service."

"Yes, I know who you are," I said with a slight smile. "I'm Elizabeth."

"Very good to meet you," he said in mock seriousness. "Are you here for the party?"

"And the adventure," I told him.

I could feel someone behind me, and half turned.

It was two someones, and it was Abigail and Grace. Abigail was flushing a light pink.

I stepped out of the way.

"Kili, these are my friends. Abigail," I nodded at her. "And Grace," I indicated Grace, who was half behind Abigail. Kili nodded, and Abigail bashfully offered her hand to shake. Kili shook it, then kissed it.

I rolled my eyes as far as they could roll, and Abigail flushed a darker pink.

As Kili exchanged greetings with Grace, I chuckled and spun, and found myself face to a little above shoulder with somebody. I turned my gaze upward, and stepped back a bit.

"Sorry," I apologized. "Didn't see you."

"Obviously not," Kili's elder brother said. He bowed as well. "Fili, at your service. Or do you know who I am too?"

I allowed a brief laugh to escape. "I did, but it doesn't hurt to be introduced. Elizabeth at your service, and your family's." We shook hands.

"I don't suppose you'd care for something to eat?" he asked.

I glanced over my shoulder at Abigail, Grace, and Kili, who were chatting amiably.

"Well…."

"Kili will take care of them," Fili assured me. "He may be occasionally reckless, but he is honorable. He will not get them into trouble."

"What trouble could they get into here?" I asked. "Never mind, don't answer that. Yes, I'm hungry. Let's go."

I headed in the direction in the pantry.

**THERE WE GO ANOTHER CHAPTER.**

**Please review. I have virtual cookies for whoever does.**


	4. Chapter 4

It was a matter of time before the doorbell rang again, and Bilbo trotted off down the hallway muttering.

"If this is someone's idea of a joke," he said. "It is in VERY poor taste!" He yanked the door opened and Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin and Gloin fell in, with Bombur on top, naturally. Gandalf stood just outside, chuckling at their plight.

Grace, out of the abundant goodness of her heart, began helping some of them to their feet. Bifur got to his feet pretty quickly, and he and Bofur set to hauling Bombur up. Dori and Nori slowly stood up, and Ori popped up like a jack-in-a-box so he was nose-to-nose with Grace. They both let out a squeal of surprise and both fell backward. Kili thought this was funny, and went over the help them both.

When everyone was right way up, everyone proceeded to dinner.

It was chaos within minutes, and I loved it.

I had always been a direct person, and I loved it that the dwarves were all direct in speaking, emotions, and everything.

I was right at home with these people.

**_~To Find Our Long Forgotten Gold~_**

Thus, we all found ourselves sitting around Bilbo's table with a bunch of very animated dwarves.

Kili had pulled a chair out for Abigail next to him and helped seat her, and she was still blushing.

Grace was seated more towards the end of the table and I was plopped in between Oin and Fili.

It was a good supper. As Thor would say:

"We drank, we fought, we made our ancestors proud."

We did.

Now, usually my manners are slightly more refined.

But this time I didn't really mind when they threw food, I couldn't care less when Fili got up and walked across the table giving refills of the ale.

I guess it must be a purebred dwarf thing, given Grace's disgusted face once or twice.

Anyways, Bilbo wound up griping to Gandalf about the mess we were making.

Ori approached him in the middle of a rant.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but what do I do with my plate?" he asked.

Grace squealed from the dining room. She hissed in my ear. "He's so cute!"

"Here, Ori, I'll take care of it," Fili took it and flung it down the hallway towards his brother, who threw it behind his back into the kitchen.

Abigail laughed, Grace grinned, I smirked.

Bilbo was going to freak.

"Ah, could you not do that? You'll blunt them," Bilbo attempted to stop some of the others (including me) of banging the silverware together.

"Oh, d'ya hear that lads?" Bofur asked cheerily, apparently lumping me into the "lads" category. "He says we'll blunt the knives!"  
Kili took this as his cue.

"Blunt the knives, bend the forks!"

From his spot in the hallway, Fili continued. "Smash the bottles and burn the corks!"

"_Chip the glasses and crack the plaaaates," _we joined in.

_That's what Bilbo Baggins HATES!_

_Cut the cloth, tread on the fat_

_Pour the milk on the pantry floor_

_Leave the bones on the bedroom mat_

_Splash the wine on every door!_

_Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl_

_Pound them up with a thumping pole_

_And when you've finished if any are whole_

_Send them down the hall to roll_

_That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!_

We all laughed, because Bilbo's indignant look was lost on the group of us, who had completely cleared up our dishes.

I wish I could do the dishes like that at home.

So there we stood, smiling, when there came another knock on the door.  
All fell silent.

Gandalf looked at us grimly.

"He is here," he said.

Thorin, King Under The Mountain, son of Thrain, son of Thror, etc. was here.

And he had royally killed the mood.

I shook my head and put my serious face on. The serious face was there to stay this time.

I straightened my shoulders and walked to the door with the others.


End file.
